Healthy level of insanity

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 

9. Sing Along At The Opera. 

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

And I bet the best is the one below you see.

Sincere thanks to my friend who sent me this email.

Son of a bitch

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, she called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,the sum of which is four."

Little Johnny's salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up oncurrent events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Little Johnny's

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

Image courtesy: dhgate.com

Legal & Logical

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, the student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject ?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question ?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal ?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor could not give the student any answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."

The secret of successful marriage

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 50^th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one."

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said: "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said: "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!".

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after. "



Image courtesy: scrapetv.com

How fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started...

---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started...

---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Haywards 5000 for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started...

---

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first - "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started...

---

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started...

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...

---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her - "Do you know him?'' Yes, she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's how the fight started...

---

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


And that's how the fight started...

---

THE ULTIMATE ONE ( I bet you can't stop laughing after reading this one )

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I  should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Office behavior

Below mentioned are few tips on how to behave in office to appear as a very good employee.

Never walk without a document in your hand - People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employee heading for important meeting. While people with nothing in their hand look like they are heading for the cafeteria. People with newspaper in their hand look like they are heading for loo.  And above all make sure that you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use computers to look busy - Any time you use computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal emails, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they are not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim that you were trying to learn new software, thus saving the valuable training expenses.






Messy desk - Top management can get away with clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we are not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; its the volume that counts. Pile them wide and high. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you will need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice mail - Never answer you phone if you have a voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to work for them. That's no way to live.  Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they are not there - it looks like you are hard working and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.




Look annoyed and impatient - Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses and colleagues the impression that you are always busy with some important projects.

Leave the office late - Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and story books that you always wanted to read, but had no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss's room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours and during public holidays.

Creative sighing for effect - Sigh loudly when there are  many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

Stacking strategy - It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc(thick computer manuals are good option).












Build vocabulary - Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargons and new products. Use the phrases  freely when in  conversations with your boss. Remember, they not necessarily have to understand all that you say but you must sound impressive.







Have 2 jackets - If you work  in a big open plan office, always leave  a spare jacket draped over the back of your chair. This gives the impression that you are still in the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.

Last and the most important - Never let your boss let know of any of the above tricks.

Hope you enjoyed reading all this. But seriously speaking, don't follow this or you'll end up in a big mess. Because before you read this, your boss already has, so.

Image courtesy: jobdig.com, inmagine.com, ineedmotivation.com, dailyclipart.net, warwick.ac.uk, sff1.com, clipartof.com, wordpress.com, clipartguide.com, cartoonstock.com