Thursday, August 5, 2010

Office behavior

Below mentioned are few tips on how to behave in office to appear as a very good employee.




Never walk without a document in your hand - People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employee heading for important meeting. While people with nothing in their hand look like they are heading for the cafeteria. People with newspaper in their hand look like they are heading for loo.  And above all make sure that you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.





Use computers to look busy - Any time you use computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal emails, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they are not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim that you were trying to learn new software, thus saving the valuable training expenses.






Messy desk - Top management can get away with clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we are not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; its the volume that counts. Pile them wide and high. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you will need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.





Voice mail - Never answer you phone if you have a voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to work for them. That's no way to live.  Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they are not there - it looks like you are hard working and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.




Look annoyed and impatient - Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses and colleagues the impression that you are always busy with some important projects.





Leave the office late - Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and story books that you always wanted to read, but had no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss's room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours and during public holidays.


Creative sighing for effect - Sigh loudly when there are  many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.






Stacking strategy - It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc(thick computer manuals are good option).












Build vocabulary - Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargons and new products. Use the phrases  freely when in  conversations with your boss. Remember, they not necessarily have to understand all that you say but you must sound impressive.







Have 2 jackets - If you work  in a big open plan office, always leave  a spare jacket draped over the back of your chair. This gives the impression that you are still in the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.


















Last and the most important - Never let your boss let know of any of the above tricks.










Hope you enjoyed reading all this. But seriously speaking, don't follow this or you'll end up in a big mess. Because before you read this, your boss already has, so.


Image courtesy: jobdig.com, inmagine.com, ineedmotivation.com, dailyclipart.net, warwick.ac.uk, sff1.com, clipartof.com, wordpress.com, clipartguide.com, cartoonstock.com

2 comments:

Ritz.. said...

Lol ..... this is absolutely amazing .... and more amazing because I have actually used some of these tricks.... hahah .. good post..

Cheers
Ritz..

alisha1990 said...

Crisp, real, funny :)

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